Hello world. I am starting this blog to have a safe place where I can open up about my infertility. For now, I would like to remain somewhat anonymous, since this is a sensitive subject for me. I’ll give you some information about myself.
I’m 32 years old. I am married, with 2 dogs. My husband is my best friend, and just a great human being overall. I am a new homeowner. I have a master’s degree. I work in the health care field. I am healthy. I am a former serious athlete, but now my exercise is mainly a way to stay healthy and keep my sanity. I am an overachiever, and I have been this way my whole life. I was a valedictorian of my high school and I graduated as the top student in my master’s program. Anytime I have had a goal, I have gone after it and achieved it. I have never really failed at anything… until now.
We have been trying to conceive (TTC, as they call it on the internet) for 12 months now. Twelve heartbreaking months. Each month is a rollercoaster of hope, anxiety, monitoring of physical signs, timed passionless intimacy, waiting, obsessing over PMS symptoms (which are similar to early pregnancy symptoms), prayer, denial, bargaining, disappointment, and acceptance. It is like having the stages of grief over and over again, month after month. It starts to erode your confidence, self-esteem, your relationship with your spouse, your happiness at work and at home. You stop wanting to socialize. You stop wanting to be around people who have children. Since it is such a personal struggle, it feels awkward to tell anyone about it. So I have suffered in silence. When I do tell someone about it, they say things like “It will happen. Just relax. Don’t think about it, and it will happen. Go out and have some wine or a margarita. That’s how I got pregnant.” These suggestions diminish what it is like to live through this, month after month. It feels like somehow it has been my fault that we haven’t conceived, maybe I’m not relaxed enough, so I am preventing it somehow. It doesn’t help. What I have needed are listening ears, and sympathy.
Since we have been trying for a year, it is time to get evaluated by a specialist. My first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist is this week. I feel relieved that hopefully we will find some answers and start to actively solve this problem. I am also scared to find the answers. I am scared that the last 12 months was a waste of time. I am scared that we have an even longer road ahead. I am scared of losing all of our savings and still not having a baby to show for it. I am scared of medical procedures, needles, side effects of medications, and complications. I am scared of having a pregnancy and then a miscarriage. I’m scared, but I must have courage. I must use my strength. And I must not give up hope.
I am starting this blog to hopefully find more people out there who are going through this. Maybe my words will be of some comfort to you. I know that it is comforting to find others who feel the same feelings that you do. It’s normal to feel these things as you go through the journey of infertility. A journey that only 10% of us will go through. The other 90% do not have a clue. I hope to find more of you out there to connect with through this blog. Please comment if you can.
Wishing you strength and peace. I chose the lotus picture for this post because of the symbolism of the lotus. The lotus must grow through thick mud in order to bloom. It represents overcoming adversity, and purity. I find it to be a comforting symbol for me.