Well, I was really hoping that I would somehow be pregnant this month. So many message boards I have read have people who say they made their appointment with their fertility specialist, but then got pregnant that month and ended up not needing any fertility treatments. Sadly, that is not me.
The two week wait is always a difficult time for me. I try to ignore my thoughts of “What if this is the month?”, I try to ignore my PMS symptoms, which are similar to pregnancy symptoms. I always get tired, I have sore breasts, I have cramping/twinges at times, and then I get emotional/hormonal. This month my PMS was worse than normal- I had horrible hot flashes 1-2 days before my period started. They only last 30 seconds or so, but they are intense. Is this menopause starting? More reminders of my infertility. I was so weepy for 2-3 days before my period. I was crying at nothing. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I guess I knew my period was coming, and that I actually have to go through with this fertility treatment thing. I am coming to grips with my diagnosis.
I am mad at myself for being so anxious and depressed. I am mad at myself for being so emotional. I am frustrated at myself for being so withdrawn at times. My husband is frustrated with me, and doesn’t understand my intense emotions. He is logically hopeful that we are finally going to get some answers. I am a wreck because of all of the uncertainty. I am hoping he can support me in the way I need, and that we can continue to grow in our relationship. This problem is bringing other problems we have out into the light, and we are both working on things to help each other feel more loved.
I know that I have a lot of great blessings in my life. It has been hard to focus on those blessings lately due to my intense emotions. I know that I need to somehow find a way to be thankful for every moment of my life, because life is a gift. I need to enjoy the life that is right in front of me. I have an amazing husband, 2 of the cutest dogs on this earth, family and friends that care about me, a wonderful career and job, a wonderful home, I live in one of the most pleasant places in the U.S., and I don’t have financial problems. I can afford fertility treatment/adoption costs. Many people cannot.
This month brings more tests, including the HSG. I am going to try to pull myself out of my funk, and find some positivity. Yoga has been very helpful for me in the past several weeks…I just need to do more of it. I am thinking about acupuncture (although my insurance will not cover it, and it is expensive).
This was sort of a rant, but that is where I have been. I am hoping to develop more of a warrior attitude in the coming days and weeks. I need to let go of all of the self-pity, sadness, jealousy, and melancholy, and just accept that this is what is happening. I have to make the most out of my situation. Sometimes when I read other people’s blogs, it is comforting to see that they feel these same emotions. So I hope if you are in the same boat, that this post makes sense to you and that you can say “Amen, sister.”